she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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