I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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