i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
