I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
