I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
