i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
