Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Randomize
