y did u give ur computer a hand job?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
