apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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