Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
