My room smells like vodka and shame
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
