I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
