I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
