i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
