Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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