I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
