Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
