I just made out with a guy for $7.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
