It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
its liver damage thursday
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
