from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Randomize
