My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
