I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
