As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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