he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It's shark week go big or go home
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
