Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
