a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
