My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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