lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
