oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I miss vodka workout Fridays
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
