My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
