Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Randomize
