im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
