You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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