she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
