I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
