hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
