You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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