I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
