Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
