I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
