So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
