I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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