Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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