God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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