K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
