My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
