Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
