she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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