I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
