I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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