I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
