Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
