yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
if you like me you must not know who I am
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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