We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
