you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize