I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
