Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
