are you still at the devil's house?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
