Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
