At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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