Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize