You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
My ass is underappreciated
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
