So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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